MIND-READING: THE SUPERPOWER YOU (DON'T!) HAVE

 Introduction

Mind-Reading is a superpower that most of you might believe you do possess, but you (most likely) don't!

It is when you make some judgement or conclusion from another person's conversation, gestures or body language. This leads you to make totally baseless assumptions about people. Oh, he thinks I'm ugly, she thinks I'm boring, they don't want me around. You start worrying about how you seem in their eyes and start doing stuff according to these assumptions, distancing yourself from them, worrying about it endlessly or people pleasing a lot; this is bad. 

There is a way out. Simple actionable steps to break away from this habit. Find out how to stop tapping into this unwanted and dangerous non-superpower.

Even Prophets fall: My case

The neighbour aunty just saw me sitting on the balcony. She's going about her house doing her chores. I'm on the balcony on my laptop. Our eyes locked, and I felt a pang in my chest. From doing sample MCQ questions for the entrance exam I’m preparing for, all I could think of since then was around this one topic: did she think something bad of me? 

This is roughly my thought process thereafter:

She’s surprised to find this guy staying inside the house all day, every day. She’s thinking about what a loser I am, and how her son and all the other normal kids in the neighbourhood are going places occasionally, visiting friends, going to the movies or restaurants, and enjoying life. What am I doing instead?

And it’s all downhill from here. I’m thinking what a loser I am for staying in my house all day (even if I totally enjoy my own company), how I am missing out on the fun and adventure of life. I basically end up in an hour-long session of shouting at myself for being so, making me feel as if all the stuff I do and enjoy doing is pointless and uncool, how I am wasting away my life, how I will die one day and no one will even notice… Damn!

This negative thinking highway is always ready to let me take a ride on it, but the entry to it, the entry is usually the dumb move I make: assuming I know what’s going through the other person’s mind.

Mind reading is a cool and useful superpower. Charles Xavier can know everything that people around him are thinking. He can catch his friends talking shit about him when he’s not within earshot, whether the people talking in hushed voices nearby are plotting to rob a bank, figure out whether the neighbour aunty even noticed him as she went about her house doing her chores.

But it really sucks when a non-mutant like me starts believing that I have the ability to do so.

I tend to assume that the two people in the restaurant who glanced my way are talking about my receding hairline when they’re probably talking about the merits of mutual funds over bank deposits.

Mind-reading: A cognitive distortion 

I took the time to read up on this issue, it is medically addressed as a cognitive distortion, one of many such weird mess-ups of the mind.

Cognitive distortions are the mistakes we end up believing in when we take mental shortcuts to end up at some conclusions, without having much info about the issue. I tried delving into the wonderful world of cognitive distortions and oh my god there are 15+ of them labelled in some sites. Didn't bother going through them because I'll probably start thinking I have most all of them. I'll stick to the enemy at hand: Mind-reading disorder.

Trying to deduce what the other person is thinking is a fairly common tendency. And we have seen common tropes of behaviour from others when they are thinking of something in particular or in particular moods. Avoiding locking eyes, refusing to answer and an occasional look of annoyance is enough signals to let you know that the person is pissed off. 

But to reach a point where you are judging all situations however short and inconsequential with only the limited view of your own thoughts and assumptions to rely on is plain stupid. When the neighbourhood kids playing in front of your house stops their game while you pass by, you don’t have to come to the conclusion that this surely means that they think you’re a weirdo and are surely laughing behind your back.

I had reached a point where I might get hooked on a glance from someone, then make some crude conclusions about their actions or attitude, and then search through the drawers of my memory to see when all the same situation happened and how it all points to indisputable facts.

When I saw a girl looking my way a few many times, I’m already connecting the dots. I conjure up the craziest conclusions and walk around with my mind doing this forensic analysis that sucks up my awareness for hours on end if left undisturbed. This is a common affliction among guys I believe, but to do this oscillation between she's into me/false alarm takes away a ton of time and thinking, and it gets me nowhere.

Oh, and then there's texting and email. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this. I send out an email or text message and don't get a reply for a while. Dammit, I KNOW why they didn't reply. It is because the other person found it annoying, or I typed out something dumb and now my email is living in the trash folder. I am suffering till I finally get a reply, and the reason for the delay is something trivial like they were sleeping and only saw it now. Haha...

Same with the neighbours thinking I'm a weirdo, friends thinking I'm not cool enough, relatives thinking I'm super shy.

Mind reading is messed up. There comes a point when the conclusions you draw are so certainly true in your head that you don’t need a second opinion on the matter. You know you have enough evidence on your conclusions that you refuse to believe anybody saying you might be misinterpreting shit. Since you are so sure, you don't bother openly addressing your suspicions or thinking against them. 

I must point out that it's common to make assumptions and judgements of others based off of their actions or behaviour, but mind-reading (or projecting) is when you assign these assumptions as coming from the other person's mind. Now you're making stuff up not only in your head but also in others' heads. This is when things get messed up. Next time you look at them, it's as if they're the ones thinking things up, not you. All those stuff that you think they think about you, seem like their thoughts. 

But wait Prophet! Most of the assumptions that I have made are solid and obvious. I have the basic knowledge and common sense to figure out others. Surely I ain't totally off the mark in my analysis?

But what you need to understand is the way your brain works. It is a rationalising tool, it is under your control, and it helps you out in ways that you want it to. So if you’re already sure that the neighbourhood kids think you are a loser, then all the facts that you think about will be based on this already ascertained belief. You filter out only those scenarios that agree with your thinking, clouding out the instances when you are plain wrong about the situation.

The kids laughing at your direction two weeks ago is what comes to mind, while the kids talking about movies or games the many times you passed them by after don’t come up at all in your elaborate mental case study.

(I'm talking about 10-15 year old kids here. Why is the Prophet bothering about his reputation among them? I dunno either really... it's a bit foolish of me eh?)

A Practical Solution

When I saw a youtube video that addressed this issue, it was massive. I realised that the conclusions I was drawing from all the occasional glances that fall on me and conversations I overheard were a problem. There are times when my beliefs are correct, but more often than not they are plain wrong. 

The video advised that I tell myself two key points the next time I end up mind-reading:

1. I don't have the power to read minds. However obvious the actions of the person might seem, I still don't know what they are thinking 100% sure.
2. Catch the negative thought jumping around in your head, and replace it with a positive one.

I'll use the neighbour aunty situation to explain. I see her glance at me from her terrace as I'm sitting there doing my stuff. The judgement I make is to assume that she thinks I'm a terrific bore for always sitting on the balcony on my laptop, even on weekends. I then fall into the mind loop accepting the fact that she's right, I am indeed a loser, and I should go out on weekends to the movies or I ain't normal and such self-deprecating and depressing shit.

Next time I do this, I stop myself from jumping to conclusions and tell myself, "You have no idea what the hell she's thinking about. She glanced at you for a split second. You don't even know if she saw you. you have no idea, so stop assuming that you do. She's got her own life to worry about."

Next step, I remind myself why I am on the balcony all day.

 

It is because I'm doing stuff that I set out to do. This is work I have voluntarily chosen for myself, work that gives me a sense of purpose and makes me feel gratified. I do understand that I am missing out on fun and friends while I'm doing this but I am actually okay with this. And I am not a terrific bore because I'm doing stuff I want to do (I don't think anyone really is, it's only a matter of perspective.)

 

I have gotten so much better at handling mind reading nowadays. I still feel the expectations of 'normal life' attack me occasionally, but this new defence system against mind reading has helped a hell of a lot and I'm grateful I found this video. 

Nowadays, I still find myself likely to fall into the trap all the time, but I've gotten better at resisting it. I've become less reactive to my thoughts, and wait out the unread messages or un-replied emails without the mental beating-up.

Your situation and encounter with mind-reading might be totally different from my case, that is, if at all you think you do this too.

For those who think they tend to do this, carefully listen to the Prophet's advice:

Remember non-mutant, you don't know what the other person is thinking. Stop jamming your mediocre brain tying threads and connecting dots on baseless, sudden conclusions. Talk to the person if your beliefs are really bothering you, or focus on whatever the hell it is that you're doing. And try to exercise the two steps suggested up top.

Takeaway

Mind reading, the assumption that you know what other people are thinking, can really get to your head. Best to stop obsessing over these assumptions if you want to reduce the needless worry that comes along with mind reading.

I'll end with a cool quote from a wise guy who was possibly as wise as the Prophet is (most blog posts and self-help books show off a ton of quotes, following the tradition):

"We suffer more in imagination than in reality"- Seneca

P.S: Maybe some of you comment on the weird ways you use mind-reading? I'll be much pleased to read them and laugh at your foolishness.